Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
