Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Randomize
