my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
please don't ironically join a cult
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