Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
