She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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