He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
