Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You dont lie about slip and slides
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
