The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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