I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
