The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
