a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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