Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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