I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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