Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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