i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
