He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
