Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It's never too late to be topless.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
