i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
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