Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
