Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
