Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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