you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
