The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
