Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
