We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
