I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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