Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
