Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
