im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
