I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Michael Bay diarrhea
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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