dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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