I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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