I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Randomize
