just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
