I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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