Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
