It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
they're like a gay fantastic four
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
