there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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