how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
