Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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