I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
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Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
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All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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