I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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