Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
