singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
