I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
