ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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