it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
