I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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