glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
