can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm passing your future prison.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
