so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
