I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
