trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I stole a fireplace last night.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
