make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
