I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
