but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
