if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
