i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
my sisters under your porch take her home
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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