Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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