I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
