she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
