I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
