There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I have fence marks all over my body
So vagazzling was a success
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
