So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
