I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
